Deconstruction Part 3 (finally!)


It happened again this week. I ran into a person that attends a church I used to attend. After a couple of minutes of awkward conversation, THAT question pops up. “So where are you going to church now?” The easy way out would be to say the name of the last church I attended on a regular basis. But that feels dishonest to me, misleading to say the least. On the other hand, I didn’t want to get into a long discussion about why I don’t attend church anymore either. In this particular case I answered in the way I do most of the time, “well, we were going to X church after we left W church, but we aren’t going anywhere currently.” Usually that’s enough for each of us to move on.

And so I return to the discussion of my deconstruction from christianity. Why don’t I attend church anymore? I previously wrote about this topic here,, here, and here To recap briefly, a few years ago I began to research nagging questions I had about my faith and god. Ultimately I came to a position called Christian Universalism. Christian Universalism has several different forms, but the basic belief is that God doesn’t do ECT, Eternal Conscientious Torment. It could be that god saves all, as is referenced in the Bible in several places, or that god allows punishment for a period of time before reestablishing the individual to heaven, or it could be what is called Annihilation, which teaches that non-believers cease to exist when they die, so no eternal torment. I’ll say right here that Annihilation never made sense to me.

At this point my wife and I really felt that Christian Universalism was the answer, and we were comfortable with that. But we didn’t stop our research there. We continued to read books, articles and watch documentaries on the history of christianity. The more we did, the more questions we had about christianity specifically and religion in general. Our excitement about finding the “answers” in Universalism faded as we began to see major issues with what christianity taught, and had evolved into over the centuries. The turning point for me was the realization that I no longer was sure that Jesus was god, and that he died for my sins.

Around this time we began to meet weekly with a couple who were having some of the same issues and questions. Coming from the same church background, one of the couple had come to a place of atheism while the other was dealing with the loss of community from slowly leaving church. During this time I briefly slipped into atheism, while my wife never stopped thinking that there was a spiritual world, just not the one we had spent our entire lives in. My wife and I also began to really look at alternative theories about how we came to be.

I didn’t stay in the atheistic camp that long. I do believe there is something beyond what we see now. Rob Bell has a great talk on what he calls Everything Is Spiritual. It doesn’t give answers, just things to think about. And so I find myself at a place that I call being an agnostic with hope. Agnostic because I truly don’t know what the truth is, and “with hope” because I still hope for a loving force or being in an afterlife. Could be god, could be something else. I don’t know. It could be that this life is all there is. My research has shown me what I don’t believe, the holes and problems and blind faith in things that my christian faith had. But research hasn’t given me concrete answers to what is. We can’t have that in this life, we can only guess and follow our feelings. For some, that means unwavering faith in a god we can’t see or feel. For others that means believing that this life is it, we evolved from nothing and we return to nothing. For others there is a belief in a conscientiousness after we die, becoming part of the “force” so to speak.

For me, I’ll continue to pursue truth, without the expectation that I’ll find ultimate answers in this life, and with the hope of a life of some sort after death. I have peace in all of this, the messy business of not knowing. I’ll continue to follow the teachings of Jesus, who I greatly respect even though I no longer believe he was god. I’ll continue to be amazed at the make believe of my former faith. So that’s a summery of my deconstruction, I asked questions, I followed those questions where they led me, I lost my faith, I gained my freedom.

In a future post, I’ll list some of the books and authors and researchers that influenced me during this time of learning. I’m happy to discuss these issues with anyone who would like to. On Messenger is probably the best way.


The Heretic

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A few nights ago my wife and I watched the documentary on Rob Bell called The Heretic. It was a good look at Bell during and after the fall out from his book Love Wins. As I have mentioned previously, Bell is perhaps the single biggest influence in my deconstruction. Watching this film brought back many of the feelings I had as I went through my deconstruction stages. A friend of Bell’s, comedian Pete Holmes, explains in rather blue language many of the stages former fundementalists go through in coping with their loss of faith. It rang so true for my wife and I.

One of the interesting things about Bell is his nonstop energy and drive for knowledge and understanding of the big questions in life. His Everything Is Spiritual talk is fascinating and thought provoking. At this stage of my life I have no answers to the questions, although I do know what I don’t believe anymore. But I’m at peace with that, as Bell seems to be.

If your interested in the questions Bell raises, or that I do for that matter, I recommend watching this documentary. If you have heard of Rob Bell but don’t know what the fuss is about, I recommend this film. If you have questions and you wonder if your the only one having them, again, watch this film. If all you’ve heard is second hand talk about who and what Bell is, watch the film. It’s always best to get info first hand.

I’ll be watching this again soon, and using it to better lay out the questions, stages, etc. that led me to the place I am now, and will share them here.


Momentary Numbness


A brief post about the journey. I have been planning on writing more on my deconstruction/faith journey. This should be Deconstruction Pt. 3. But it won’t be, at least not in the way I planned. Recently I spent a bit of time messaging with a friend and follower of this blog. The topic was the posts I have done on my deconstruction. It was a very good discussion. And it has led me to want to detail my journey in, well, detail. But I’m finding it a bit of a challenge to make the notes I need to make to accurately write about what happened to me.

It could be the things going on in my life at the moment. My recent cancer surgery has left me with some hefty bills. In addition my wife and sons and I have taken on the big challenge of renovating our 221 year old house (yes, that is not a typo, it’s old). Without going into detail, suffice it to say that it is expensive and time consuming and exhausting at times. In addition, I have launched a Patroen page ( to promote my art and raise money for the bills that are pressing. That means spending time creating new art.

Whatever the reason, I’m feeling a little numb these days. The political landscape is driving me crazy, so that probably plays into it. The truth is I have left the religious arena for good. And going back to examine how that happened seems exhausting. When it was happening in a big way there was a rush to it, a feeling both exciting and scary. Now there is a peace, but also a struggle to look back in detail.

I will continue this, I will write in much more detail about deconstruction, but not today. I’m tired of religion. But hey, tomorrow’s another day and maybe I’ll be ready!

Deconstruction Pt. 2… sort of.


It’s been a couple of weeks since I posted pt. 1 of my deconstruction story. The response from it was good, (although you wouldn’t know it from the likes at the bottom, click the Like button people if you enjoy a post!). I’ve been busy with life ( and haven’t revisited the deconstruction theme. Today’s post will only touch on the theme a little. This will be more about random thoughts on deconstruction.

So what do I mean by “deconstruction”? For my purposes, deconstruction is the breaking down or breaking away from something that has been the bedrock of my existence. For the first 50 something years of my life I was defined by what I believed. I have come to think of that as a bad thing. Why? Because what I believed relied a great deal on only showing one side of things and trying very hard to not be exposed to other schools of thoughts. Now if you had asked me if I was only seeing one side, I would have denied it. After all, I was active in christian apologetics, I went to a public school (okay, 10 of them, LOL. See my post on my school years and moving). I felt I was balanced in my viewpoints. But I wasn’t and when I began to seek answers to the nagging questions, I began to have those “aha” moments.

It’s funny, because I’ve been in this place for a couple of years now, and I now view my old life like someone having an out of body experience. I can see the blindness to other views, the unrecognized bias and the always trying to shoe horn things to fit my worldview. I struggle with balancing my old community of friends with my new beliefs. Some have gently tried to “save” me from where I am, using the very arguments I would have used if they were the ones deconstructing instead of me. But I feel free more than anything else.

So this post didn’t really tell much of the story, but I promise to post Pt. 2 in the next few days. Peace.

Deconstructing Pt. 1

A week or so ago I wrote about some of the influences on my spiritual journey. It was a brief intro into authors who influenced my thinking. Francis Schaeffer, John Ortberg, Rob Bell are the three I mentioned. We’ll dig in a little here and begin tracing my journey out of american christianity.

A funny thing happened as I grew into my late 40’s. I began to question. As a Baptist, questioning was kinda frowned on. I was big into Apologetics from my mid 30’s into my 40’s, but this was something different. The apologetics and authors I read and listened to had justified why I was right to believe what I believed. I thought I was getting a balanced view, but actually I wasn’t. Lee Strobel’s Case For Faith and the following Case for… books were telling me that I was right to think and believe as I did as an evangelical christian. At first this was very comforting to me. Sure in the Old Testament God ordered the slaughter of entire groups of people, but apologist Norman Giesler convinced me that it was “humane” for God to order the killing of the children, because they would go to heaven as they were too young to understand they were sinners. But in the back of my mind, the nagging thought that something was wrong with this kind of thinking was still there.

And then something big happened. I was already starting to battle with the thought that all who didn’t specifically ask Jesus into their hearts would burn for eternity in hell. And my religious world view was starting to be rocked by Rob Bell’s book Velvet Elvis. But then Bell wrote a book about questioning the concept of hell, called Love Wins. He didn’t come out and say there was no hell, just asked a lot of very good questions, gave a lot of very good information about Jewish beliefs around the time of Christ. Suddenly I was free to question and think and study. Bell’s book blew my mind because I was raised to believe unconditionally that hell was a real place. I began to read and study, and more importantly to tell my wife what I was doing.

Funny thing, my wife had grown up in fundamentalism and she was not happy with what I was telling her. She was worried I was losing my salvation and going to hell. So she did what she is great at, she dug in and began to study, with the intention of showing me how wrong I was. The interesting thing was, I would bring home something I had read and she would research it and find that what we had believed wasn’t so black and white after all. This caused her to dig in even farther. We began to study Universalism. Now when I was growing up, and into my adult years, I always thought that universalism was a mixed bag of all roads lead to god kind of thing. New age or some mumbo jumbo. But our studies led us to the finding that in the early church universalism was a popular teaching. Now, there are several schools of thought about what happens when we die in universalism, and I won’t get into that here. But the main idea is that God doesn’t burn anyone for eternity in hell.

I was shocked at what we were finding and shocked that I had never been told about this line of thinking in the early NT church. I went to bible school, I grew up in the church, I served as a deacon and small group leader. You would have thought it would have come up somewhere, besides being mentioned as “all roads lead to” heresy. During this time, my wife and I watched a documentary called “Hellbound?” that dived into the thinking and controversy around universalism. Not intended to be overly in-depth, but instead to present an overview of the three main thoughts (universalism, Annihilationism, eternal conscious torment) about hell that the church has had over the last 2,000 years, we found it fascinating. Faced with what we had learned over the period of a couple of years, we planted our faith flag in Universalism and thought we had arrived. We were wrong, our journey wasn’t over. We’ll pickup the trail in the next post Deconstructing Pt. 2.

Influencers Along The Way

Screen Shot 2018-03-27 at 1.13.20 PMIt’s been a few days since I posted. I think we’ll veer slightly into the spiritual realm here. I’ve been thinking about the writers/speakers that have influenced me along my spiritual journey. Maybe a little background first. My dad was a Baptist preacher for much of my life growing up. He also was a teacher, and for a brief two year span was a janitor. We’ll get to that in another post. So my formative years were in the church. There’s lot of ground we could cover, and again, we’ll save that for another day. But my dad was definitely the main guiding force during my early days. After high school I went to a christian college, a conservative one, in Miami. I attended churches that, while not baptist, were still in that line of thought for the three years that I attended the college. I spent the next two years attending an art school in Ft. Lauderdale, and attending church bit more sporadically. But I never left the conservative teaching that I grew up with, even as I tried to balance my tastes in music and art and culture with those beliefs. Eventually I married my wife, who grew up in a fundamentalist environment, and we set off having kids and starting our new lives. We became very involved in a local baptist church, eventually serving in many capacities, sunday school teachers, deacon, advisory board, young adult group leaders, Wednesday night kid’s group teachers, etc. I became very interested in christian apologetics during this time, and the advent of the internet gave me resources beyond just books. Francis Schaeffer in particular was very influential in my thinking during this time frame. His video series “How Should We Then Live” blew my mind. So we’ll put Schaeffer in as a big influence. A few years down the road, my wife and I were growing in what we viewed as the Christian walk and we were introduced to the concept of small groups by a close friend of mine. We were amazed by the community that could happen in them. My friend’s church sponsored my wife and I to go to a mega-church in Chicago for a small group conference. The first speaker we heard was John Ortberg, a teaching pastor and author. His teaching was eye opening. My conservative roots were worried but but I was enthralled by John’s teaching. To this day I love his writing. So Ortberg was a great eye opener and influence. Fast forward a few more years to a huge christian music event known as Creationfest. In addition to music, the event has daily speakers. The second year we went, they had a speaker I had never heard of by the name Rob Bell. I had never heard anybody like him, his teaching opened doors and thoughts like no one I had heard. I bought and read his book “Velvet Elvis” and I was never the same. It was the beginning of the end in some ways and the beginning of the future in other ways. So, Francis Schaeffer, John Ortberg, Rob Bell. I read and listened to many others, but these three were the big influences. I’ll explain how in future posts. Feedback time, who has influenced you?